• SMS Novel

I'm Moving To Canada...Really This Time.

The 2020 election is upon us. And I believe that it is important before we get to that day, that we remember what brought us here: 2016. Whether you voted for Trump or voted for Hillary, we all have to acknowledge this election has been completely unpredictable and totally exhausting. I called my aging mother the day after the election to see if she was okay. (She was voting for Hillary.) When I called, she put me on hold because she said she was trying to find the number to her old high school friend, some doctor named Jack K. I said, “Mom. You’re not calling Dr. Kevorkian. By the way, he died years ago.” She said, “Hmm…he must have seen this coming to.”


Apart from monitoring my mother’s computer after finding Do-It-Yourself euthanasia Google searches, I have been trying to reason to myself how Hillary could lose. There are many reasons, but I think that toward the end, Democrats put too much emphasis on being negative and not appealing to voters. The last month of the election, the Clinton campaign begin to focus heavily on Trump’s past history of misogyny. I mean, after the Access Hollywood tapes came out, I believe they thought, Oh we got him now! No one's gonna vote for someone who says, ‘grab’em by the pussy.’ But the reality is, while they were focusing on the p-word, America was too busy electing a Dick. (By Dick, I’m referring to Senator Dick Shelby of Georgia…clearing my throat.)


Now, as a man, who fully respects women and their vaginas - I have to say, that I was completely repulsed by what Trump said. I mean, I really. He sounded less like a Presidential candidate and more like some misogynistic Gangsta rapper. I actually thought Trump and Rick Ross aka The Boss, were going to do a track after video came out. It would be The Boss feat The Donald – I Thought I Saw a Putty Tat. I mean, I could see that happening. They're both bosses, they're both a little on the big side, both misogynists, and both hate Black people.

THIS MAN HAS SAID SOME CRAZY STUFF

It is without a doubt that Donald Trump has said some crazy stuff during the election. But I'm not moving to Canada just for what Trump has said. I'm moving to Canada because I'm scared shitless of what he will do. I feel like American life is about to become a horror movie and election night was just the trailer. And believe me, that trailer was frightening. But to think, we haven’t seen anything yet. And while I don’t watch horror movies often I know they usually start off tame and quiet. This will be similar to the next two months before the inauguration. Yah, he’s saying the right stuff now, he’s being very conciliatory, but as soon as he raises that hoof to be sworn in…we’re going to have another Exorcist movie on our hands. And this time it isn’t going to be Regan (the character from the movie) that has a demon cast out, it’s going to be Lady Liberty herself that needs the rosary, holy oil, and the priest.

MY BLACK FRIENDS VS. TRUMP’S BLACK FRIENDS

And I really feel bad for my Black friends after the election. I am really concerned for them. I mean they have enough to deal with like not getting shot by cops, finding good jobs, and dealing with prejudice every damn day of their lives. If that wasn’t enough, now they have to worry about getting grabbed by the pussy by Commander in Chief Trump. I mean some of my Black male friends are calling and texting me, saying “Travis, you’re white, you got insider knowledge to everything - he ain't gonna grab us by the pussy is he?” I had to be like, “No Hakeem, he's not going to grab you by you by the pussy. You don't have one.” Hakeem responded, “That ain't never stopped a rich white man from taking something anyway has it? I was like, “Hakeem, you gotta point. You might want to hold on tight to your pussy.”

And if Trump's Black friends are any indicator of how he is going to act toward the Black community, then, I'm sorry to say this to my Black friends, but whether you have a pussy or not...you're screwed. So we had Ben Carson as a Trump supporter. My first response to Ben is...Ben, you are an amazing man, have an amazing life story, but did someone surgically remove your brain for you to support this man? First and foremost, the man compared you to a child molester, said you had a pathological disease, brought up your mama on TV, and then called you a fake Christian. Damn Daniel! The only thing he didn't say is, “I think you dropped the soap.”


And then there was Omarosa from his show the Apprentice. Trump tried to grab her by the pussy but was surprised to not find one. I mean come on; Trump's relationship with Blacks is similar to Master Candy's in Django's Unchained. First you whip’em, then you make them whip each other. And then you make them need you. It’s the classic and historic antebellum American love story.

BUT I’M WHITE, WHY SHOULD I WORRY?

But, I know what you're thinking. Look at me. I'm a semi-successful White comedian. I have a 401k, good credit, and live in the Suburbs. What do I have to worry about? I have white privilege on my side, the police on my side, the banks on my side. You're right, I do. But Donald Trump doesn’t care about White people because he’s not White. He’s some shade of orange/tan/marmalade. He’s a race all to himself. So my whiteness does give me any more comfort in a Trump regime than being Black would give me comfort at an 1860’s Deep South rope tying contest.

THIS IS A TRUE STORY, MOSTLY.

The Hitch Hiker's Guide to Canada Blog is true American journey. that starts in 2016 and takes us all the way unto 2020 election day. This will be a completely true story. Okay, is partly true. Okay, is barely true. Forget it; it’s not true at all. But hey America, you should be used to fake things - you elected Trump! You should understand while reading this that some of the fiction you read may actually be non-fiction. But some of the true stories you read are fake. But most importantly, some of the fake true stories are truly fake but they are true because they are fake. And in America, starting November 9th, only the fake is real and only the real is fake. So as you read this, you should understand that what I write could and will probably happen.


The book takes place in dystopian society that amazingly begins the moment Donald Trump wins the election. It is at this cataclysmic event that the Trump American Apocalypse takes place. And it will be then, that the survivors of what the Religious people and the Terminator movies call Judgment Day - will need this Guide. They will need it more than the Bible, more than food, and even more than a Trump-phone. (Trump-phone was formerly known as a smart phone before Donald Trump monopolizes the cell phone industry and redirects every call to WikiLeaks to ensure no one is planning on leaving for Canada.) I expect that long after I am gone to Canada, sun bathing on a cold night next to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, that Americans will cling to this book more than Donald Trump will cling to power with those large orange oversized orange hands/hooves/grabbing things.


There is another thing about this blog that you need to know. Predicting that Supreme Leader Trump will begin to burn and seize any critical writings in 2020 that his regime does not approve of, I encourage readers to photocopy this blog. (The maps of Canada alone are worth it.) Believe me; it will be worth it...to you and me both.